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“All of the guys I grew up with are either dead or locked up,” my partner once explained as we drove through the Jersey City neighborhood of his childhood. Even if black men overcome all this—if they survive, if they thrive—they do not want to marry a woman like me.

Black men are twice as likely as black women to seek marriage outside of their race.

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I blamed all my bad dates on the city’s commitment-phobic dating scene. Female friends all over the country are having difficulties finding a partner worth marrying, especially if they’re black.

A close friend thought she was having a baby with the love of her life whom she would eventually marry, only to find out that he got woman pregnant.“Mixed babies are cuter,” he told her when she found out.

And whenever I meet very successful middle-aged black women, they’re typically single and without children. Meanwhile, Michelle Alexander points out in her book that there are more black men under correctional control today than there were under slavery in 1850—at least 1.7 million, to be precise—limiting their opportunities for education and employment.

Banks’ book laid out the reason why plainly: Dating is a numbers game—one that is rigged against me and women who look like me. Black men are roughly seven times more likely to be killed than black women.

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