Honry talks chat
According to Ford, you should skip the insult and get right to a reasonable request, such as: "Hon, when you're done with your sandwich, can you bring your dish over to the sink? " First, figure out why you want him to find a new job so badly.
" That way, you can achieve your goals without hurting him in the process. Do you dislike how much time he spends away from home?
"Maybe your mother said 'he's too cheap,'" says Orlov.
"Say to him, 'why do you sometimes seem reluctant to spend money on things we need?
Instead, start with something you like about how he looks: "When you wear that blue shirt, it really makes me appreciate your gorgeous blue eyes." Then broach the topic of his weight gain by framing the comment so it's about his health, not looks: "Honey, what do you think about us both starting after-dinner walks? There's nothing wrong with your guy having a friend whose company you don't love—no one says spouses are required to adore each other's friends, especially that one college pal who likes to pretend he and your hubby never left the frat house.
"Room is now cleared for creative problem-solving," says Orlov. Hold your tongue and focus on the root of what's making you mad. Second, it's just plain demeaning for any adult to hear that his efforts are sub-par. [fill in the blank]" "These are two phrases I advise couples never to use," says Ford, "because they set up an instant, negative tone; they halt communication and they put the other person on the defensive." These blanket statements can make your husband feel unfairly attacked, and chances are he'll just fire back with all the times he did help.At the end of the day, no husband is going to be inspired to be a better, more hands-on and involved dad if his every effort is shot down, says Orlov."If he always feels like he's wrong, he'll only start to disconnect emotionally." So let Dad be Dad.Your disdain may also suggest that you'd prefer to pick his friends for him—and no one wants to be told who they should be pals with.A better choice: "Oh, honey, you know I don't always enjoy doing the same things as you and George, so why don't you plan a guys' night instead? Remember, there's no marriage rule that says you two have to do everything together; he might actually be relieved to have a little guy time with his pal that doesn't involve him having to worry if you're having fun or are offended by his friend's jokes.Do you think he can or should be further ahead career-wise? "Before you say anything that could be hurtful to him, think about what your own issues are," says Ford.Be particularly careful that you're not attacking his ability to support you and the kids: "Part of how a man evaluates himself is by how well he can take care of his family," says Ford, so insulting him in this sensitive area can be a serious blow.(And keep this in mind: If a friend is really awful, your husband is much more likely to see that on his own, over time, whereas if you nag him to drop the dolt it may never happen.) Photo: Paul Bradbury / Getty Images9. But don't do this, take them here or forget that..." This is a classic nervous-new-mom move: When you're in anxiety mode, it can be hard to let go of childcare tasks (even though you would love to have more help).It's also an attitude that can become a habit no matter how long you've been a mom, leading to some very unhealthy feelings: You may become resentful because he doesn't pitch in, but you don't always give him room to, either.Then, while you're both clothed and not in the bedroom, bring up some things you enjoy sexually and that you would like to try in order to enhance the experience next time around, taking care not to place blame on him. "This is just a no-no," says Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker and author of The Pathway to Love.By emphasizing what arouses you and what you two can do in the future, you'll spare his feelings without duping him in the process. "It's nasty and belittling, and it gets at his fear that he may be exhibiting the worst traits of his family." If you're about to spout a criticism like this, stop and think about what's behind it: Maybe your father-in-law is the kind of guy who never cleans up after himself, and your husband's habit of leaving dirty dishes around the house is getting to you.